Skip to navigation.

Meyer's Jewish Humor

Dozens of Meyer's Infamous Jokes that Continue the Legacy

It was a cold winter night. Sadie and Jake went to be. The window was open for “fresh air”.
It didn't take long when Sadie told Jake, “Jake, close the window, it's cold outside.” Jake didn't move.
Again, she called out, “Jake, close the window, it's cold outside!” Jake made out he was asleep and didn't move.
This time she yelled, “Jake! Close the window, it's cold outside!” At this, he jumped out of the warm bed and shut the window and said, “Now, is it warmer outside?”

Mr. Goldberg calls the undertaker and says, “I want you to make arrangements to bury mine wife.”
The undertaker says, “Mr. Goldberg, you're either drunk or you're losing your memory. You burried your wife last year.”
Mr. Goldberg says, “You didn't understand. You see, I got married again.”
And the undertaker says, “Oh, congratulations, Mr. Goldberg.”

Mr. Goldberg is on the phone again, this time calling his land lord.
“Last night, the vind came and blew down the shutta. I vant you to send a carpenta to mend the shutta. No, I didn't say 'shut up'. I vant you to mend— no, not three men, one man to mend the shutta. I said, 'Last night the vind came and blew down the shutta.' I vant you to send a carpenta to mend— no, not two men, one man to mend the shutta. No, I didn't say three men to mend the— Never mind. I fix it myself.”

A grandmother was walking on the beach along the water's edge with her grandson. Suddenly, a huge wave washed over them and the little fellow was swept away into the sea. The grandmother was horrified. She fell to her knees and screemed to God to give her back her grandson. She prayed and cried when another huge wave washed away, there was her little grandson by her side again. She was overcome with joy. She looked to the heavens and cried, “He had a hat!”

Back on the train, everybody was settling down in their berths for the night. The lights dimmed in the pulman car, when someone in a upper berth starts in&em;
“Oy! Am I thirsty! I won't be able to sleep, I am so thirsty. I don't know what I am going to do!”
The Man in the lower berth was annoyed. He jumped out of his bed and got the man a glass of water.
“Here! Drink this.”
Soon, everything was quiet and the man started again.
“Oy! Was I thirsty! I was so thirsty that I couldn't fall asleep. Oy was I thirsty!…”

In a small town in Russia, people brought their complaints to the Rabbi to settle their differences. This day, two men were before the Rabbi.
He listened to one man and said, “You are right.”
He listened to the second man and said, “You are right.”
When they left, his wife, who was listening in the next room, said to him, “You're supposed to be some kind of judge? How can they be both right?”
He listened to her and said, “You know? You're right, too.”

Mr. Ginsberg was paying his bill in a restaurant and the cashier asked, “Mr. Ginsberg, did you enjoy your dinner?”
“Yes, but you only gave me two pieces of bread.”
“Come in tomorrow and we'll serve you alot of bread.”
The next day, it was the same thing: 'not enough bread'. This complaint went on day after day, giving Mr. Ginsberg one more slice each day. Finally they took a very long loaf of bread and sliced it in half, one end to the other, and waited for Mr. Ginsberg.
When he was checking out, they asked him, “Well, Mr. Ginsberg. Did you get enough bread today?”
Mr. Ginsberg replied, “You went back to two pieces of bread.”

The town of Chelm is well known for its foolish men. This is one example:
They were going to build a house and needed boards 26 feet long. So, they went to a mill and bought them. They loaded them on their wagon cross-ways. When they came back to their town, they couldn't get down their street because the streets were only 24 feet wide. So, these ‘brilliant’ men decided what they must do is knock down one row of houses in every street and that way they could get through.